Patience

I am trying very hard...but I am not a very patient person. It is so hard for me to write about this, but I need there to be a change in my parenting and soon. I have been struggling with my Andrew. I love him to pieces and  he means the absolute world to me. He has always been very stubborn and strong-willed. I have been having an inner struggle with what is the best way to "handle" him when he has a meltdown. I feel like, right now, I am having the hardest time with him.  

I refuse to give-in on a battle and am pretty good at standing my ground. (I so badly don't want a spoiled child who cries and gets what he wants)....but at times, it really turns into a battle. I struggle with exactly what battles to choose as well. You know that saying, "pick your battles" I totally agree, but my goodness, it's exhausting!   I could literally battle with him all day---and that's no way to live.   

There are times that I am able to offer an ultimatum, or choice for him...other times, there is no telling what will set him off, or worse. I feel like right now, is so much harder because he is so smart and I am so hard on myself. I want to mold him into a good person and when he pushes my buttons and I loose my temper, I feel like I am failing as a parent in that moment.   I know that I need to be patient with myself and understand that I will grow as a parent, but I want to figure this out and stop making, what I feel are bad decisions with him. I love my little man and his awesome personality so much and writing this makes me feel like I am judging him or something, but I feel like I am at a dead end.   

Andrew is a very emotional, deep kid for an (almost) five year old.  He has always been that way. He gets fixated on things and if they do not go perfectly right, he freaks out. I remember him being a year and a half, two years old and  just standing his ground. He makes up his mind that he is going to have a bad day, and NOTHING you do will change his mind.  He will battle with you on everything. I have seen him have a blast and REFUSE to show that he is happy, and refuse to smile or allow himself to enjoy or play in on the activity. There have been plenty of times that David and I are worried that something....anything could set him off and he could go from having a great time to crying hysterically for some random reason (his button not buttoning up right, or a kid at the party having a hood on his shirt and him not having one, or forbid someone get a toy that is different from his and he goes off) I have babysat for years, I have worked in daycare's in the past and I have never seen a kid so stuck on something. Like, you can't distract him or sway him or reason with him---it's so tough.

He is a perfectionist as well.  We were coloring together the other day and he kept messing up on his photo. He started bawling and said, " I can't do anything right. I'm so stupid!" I took the crayon from him and told him how smart and how awesome he is. I told him that I loved his drawings and no one has to be perfect. That's why pencils have erasers.  He yelled at me and said, "yes it has to be perfect, let's erase it!" I told him we couldn't erase crayon and he freaked out." I wanted to grab him and cuddle him. Tears filled my eyes. I hate that he puts so much pressure on himself! He is FOUR YEARS OLD!!! He thinks he needs to be perfect??? What the heck am I as a parent doing wrong to make my child put so much pressure on himself???

I just want my baby boy to be carefree and blissfully happy! I remember when he was a baby and toddler, my grandma used to say that you had to work for a smile from Andrew.  It's so true. He has never been the kind of kid that just giggles to giggle. He is always so serious.  I love when he let's loose and has fun. I LOVE that since  he started school, he is very friendly with other kids and people. He always goes up to people and says, "Hi, I'm Andrew, whats your name?"---before school, he could really care less about playing with any other kids, so this has really helped him break out of his shell.  

The thing about Andrew is, once he opens up to you, he has the biggest heart. He is seriously the sweetest kid you will ever meet. He loves to cuddle. Loves to interact and play with others.  He remembers EVERYTHING. He remembers things I forget! He is smarter then I will ever be.

I hate fighting with him! I hate that he melts down and seems to test my patience at least once a day. I am trying so hard to give these kiddos an amazing childhood and keep them happy, while not spoiling them and giving them everything they want. I want him to grow into a compassionate, selfless, patient person. I am watching him grow and mature in ever aspect of his life except his emotions.  I say he is "emotionally stunted". A lot of the time when things don't go his way and he melts down, I say, "Andrew, you need to stop crying" and he just gets louder and louder and says he can't stop crying.   He can't even begin to control his emotions when he is in that state and I feel like as an (almost) five year old he should have a handle on that a bit better.

 I will continue to work on my patience, and I hope today is a new day and there will be no meltdowns that I can't handle in a progressive, positive way.  I love this kid too much to fail him as a parent and loose my temper with him.