For those of you who have been wondering what's going on with us and this pregnancy, here it goes.
Sunday I woke up in a panic. No idea what for. I don't know if something happened in the middle of the night, mother's intuition, what, but I woke for the first time this pregnancy in fear. I started to get ready for work and my hands were shaking, I was short of breath, I threw up and I almost fainted. After a glass of water, I took my prenatal vitamins and had a cup of yogurt, got on with my morning and left for work. I called my mom and told her about my panic attack. For whatever reason, I was so afraid that I was going to lose the baby. She told me to relax, and if I still felt this way to leave work. As the morning progressed, I started to feel much better (assuming it was due to the distraction of work).
At about 1:30pm, I went on break. I left for lunch and felt "off", so I returned to the break room at work with about 30min left of my break and put my feet up and fell asleep. I started to feel panicky again, although I had no "real" reason to. I wasn't bleeding, wasn't cramping, just felt "weird". I got up to return to work, when I felt fluid leaking. I immediately turned white, felt horrible and went home. After that, everything went down hill.
I called the on call Dr. at the hospital, who told me to go home, relax and unless there is bleeding or cramping, there's no real reason to "waste a trip to the emergency room". I got home and my mom met us at the house. I continued to feel complete panic and started to notice more fluid leaking. My mom took the kids home with her and told me to just go to the hospital. David and I immediately went to the emergency room. Within 30min. of being in the emergency room, I was having my vitals checked, and couldn't stop shaking, couldn't slow my breathing down and felt my water break. They put me in a wheelchair, wheeled me to a room and I really began to lose it. I started bleeding profusely, they took blood, gave me an ultrasound, which indicated that I no longer had fluid and the baby was making it's way downward.
I was moved to another room. I had a pelvic exam and my cervix was dilating. The on call OB came in and did another exam and ultrasound. He apologized again for this happening and coached us on what was to be expected. He continued to apologize and explained that based on this occurring again so late in my pregnancy, they would say that I have an incompetent cervix (Cervical Insufficiency). We were then coached about how to tackle these issues once we were ready to try again for a baby, including seeing a high-risk specialist, bed rest, procedures ect...(let's remember, I am currently still in labor with this little baby, with the knowledge that I will not be bringing him/her home). It was too much to take. I just remember a lot of people coming in and out and taking my hand, or squeezing my leg with the painful look of sorrow for me. I just said, "thank you, thank you, thank you" all while my face was full of tears and I was literally in shock and total fear. My world was literally coming down.
I was then moved to a delivery room and continued to contract. While in the delivery room, I had to answer a series of questions pertaining to my patient history, birth history, the loss of the baby last year...then it got REALLY hard. On to planning the death of my unborn baby. Cremation or burial, naming him/her, whether or not I wanted photos of the baby, if I wanted to hold the baby, the sex. So many awful things. David had to fill out death certificate paperwork, while I was laboring. Things we should never ever have to do. I just wanted it to be over. Then it was time, the contractions were one on top of the other and the pressure in my lower back and abdomen was getting bad. The nurse began to clean some of the blood and could see that the baby was ready, breech. At that point, she took my hand and I just remember telling her I didn't want to push. I was so scared, I knew that after this was all over, the baby was no longer mine. I was not ready. How could I be? This is not the way that it's supposed to be. She looked at me, tears in her eyes and just said, "I know honey but it's time". Everything after that is a blur. I was simply heart broken.
They moved me to a post-labor room and I was finally discharged the next afternoon.
Everyday since then has been super hard. I am not at all ready to face the world. I know that this has happened...again, but it just seems so unreal to me. I am grateful for the support of my loved ones and close friends. Warm wishes and condolences, beautiful floral arrangements and heartfelt messages and visits. I know time will heal, but at this point, my thoughts are so sad.
I had to say goodbye to another sweet baby, and it has been very, very hard on me. Maybe this blog post is the first step to healing. I just don't know what to do.
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