I am a mommy of 4...

I am a mommy of four sweet babies....

It is so hard to understand why certain things happen. So many questions in life will never be answered. But one thing is for sure. I will forever be a mommy to 4 beautiful babies.

I have two here with us on this earth. My beautiful Andrew&Rebecca.  Andrew is strong-willed, intelligent beyond his years, kind, so passionate and loving in nature. Rebecca is spunky, sweet, fun-loving, smart, "gorgeous" and my little "sweet princess".  Both have taught me so much about unconditional love and about myself.  They fill my life with happiness I could never imagine...on a daily basis!!!

When it comes to my other two babies, It's a bit more complicated (as most of who have followed my blog already know). But I want to share with you all about my other two.

Our youngest, Becca, was 16months old and David and I decided it was time to try for "Baby Q #3" (which I referred to him/her as).  We shared our BIG news with the world---we were so excited to be pregnant again!

I was so excited to see our little Becca Bear as a BIG sister! It was all just so exciting.

Our Dr's appointments went well and  I was feeling great.  We had our first ultrasound around14 weeks and the baby looked so perfect!

 Later that month, we traveled as a family to Canada to see my cousin Tony get married. It was a great trip and we took the kids to see Niagara Falls.  My mom and dad got "Baby Q #3" his/her FIRST gift, an adorable onsie from our trip!

On July 23rd, 2012, we had to say goodbye to our sweet baby. 3 and a half months.  Several weeks is all the time we had. I fell in love as soon as I found out I was blessed with another baby in my tummy. I can't even begin to explain to you how painful the loss was.

David and I took the kids up north for a few days for a camping trip with some close friends after we lost the baby and the two of us said goodbye to our sweet baby. David had made a little box and on it, it read, "Our Baby Q #3" "Daddy and Mommy Love you".  We said goodbye and I will always remember that moment.

The Doctors were baffled by the loss of my pregnancy. My Dr. told me that I was young, healthy and there would be no reason that we could not try for another baby and have a healthy, successful pregnancy.  When I first lost "Baby Q #3" I remember thinking I would never be able to get pregnant again.   Even with the Doctors reassuring me that everything would be fine, I was so worried and afraid.  I remember at one moment being so sad and depressed that I may never want to get pregnant again. That the fear of losing another baby was so much greater than my lifelong dream of having a big family.

May 2013, almost a year after we lost our sweet baby, David and I agreed that we were ready for another baby.  I had been exercising and  eating right, had been trying to prepare my body for a healthy pregnancy. Doing everything in my power to make sure that once we both knew it was time, "nothing" could go wrong.

As soon as we decided to try, I stopped working out (I would walk and everything, but stopped my cardio). I completely cut out ANYTHING that could effect me in anyway. NO caffeine, nothing with a lot of sugar, watched my sodium intake, no hot baths/showers, ect....everything we are "supposed" to do.

We announced our pregnancy with our precious "Baby Quezada" (baby #4) On June 28th, 2013 when I was 8 weeks along.  Again, we were SO EXCITED to be expecting another sweet baby.

I began to show very early on and got an ultrasound right away as well.  The baby was so tiny and wiggled so much. I remember the heartbeat was right around 180bpm.  It was actually the first ultrasound that I had ever gotten alone. David is usually there with me. I remember texting him a photo of the printed up ultrasound image and sending it with the caption, "And we have a peanut"  I remember him responding and telling me how happy he was.  

My last Dr. Appointment.  David was called in to work an overtime shift and I had to bring Andrew and Becca to my appointment! I remember being so nervous and wasn't sure how they would behave in the office.  I prepped them and explained that mommy and the baby were going to be checked on by the doctor and explained that they were going to be able to hear their baby brother/sister's heartbeat.

To my surprise the kiddos were perfect angels and the two of them sat in a chair together and were so excited to hear the heartbeat and be there for their baby brother or sister. The two of them argued over whether it was going to be a boy or girl and came up with cute little names.

Later that afternoon when I picked Andrew up from school, his teacher told me about how he told the class all about the baby in his mommy's belly and that he heard the baby's heartbeat go, "boom, boom, boom". So sweet. I got a tiny glimpse at what the two of them were going be like as a big brother and big sister team, and it melted my heart.

When "Baby Quezada" made his/her arrival early. I made it to the hospital and delivered the baby there.  They had us choose what to do with our sweet baby after it's arrival. We had the hospital spread our baby's ashes over the Superstition Mountains (that was, in our mind the best fit for our particular situation).  I received gifts from the hospital that I clutched to for hours after I lost our baby.

"How very softly you tiptoed into my world. Almost silently; Only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint Your footprints have left On our hearts". --Author Unknown

All four of my babies have very special places in my heart. I love them all with everything that I am.  I will continue to enjoy every moment I have with My Andrew&Becca here on this Earth, just as I will always hold on to the thoughts and dreams of what could have been with my other two.  Only in my dreams can I imagine what their little personalities would be like. What kind of a big sister my Becca would have been. Whether we would have little boys or little girls. The short time I had with those 2 babies in my tummy are all I can hold on to, but I can take comfort in knowing that we will all be reunited one day for now, they are safe.