...Is this EVER gonna start getting easier?...

I started selling baby/toddler clothes...

I started with what the demand was for...18mos, 24mos, 2t &3t. That was OhhKaayyy (not too too bad). But as soon as I posted some newborn stuff and people actually started commenting on it, I started to hyperventilate a little bit and get shaky.  I don't actually want to sell ANY OF THIS! I WANT A BABY! (It doesn't help when I'm trying so hard to be in denial and my husband walks by and tilts his head and goes, " aww babe, I don't wanna get rid of any of this stuff" Ugh...So I guess it's back to step one.  I ran cycles and cycles through the wash of baby blankies, my most treasured outfits, socks, burp clothes, bibs and hooded towels  and condensed the stuff into smaller boxes...but other than the stuff I already sold....everything else is going back on the shelves. I am so not ready to get rid of it all...

Is this gonna start getting easier???

Oh, Fortune Cookie...

Spent the other day with my love. We dropped Becca Bear off with my mom and took Andrew to school. We then had an appointment with my Obstetrician.  I had been putting it off. I didn't want to go back to that office.  I met with my Dr. and I had my consultation regarding my labor and delivery, had my exam and then he returned for "the talk".

We talked about all of our options. He explained that my case was rare.  That although there is no real way to "test" for what happened, based on my history, it would appear that there was a problem.  He didn't want to directly come at me with answers. He wanted to refer us to a high-risk specialist who would, he felt, conclude that I had more than likely had cervical incompetency.  He said based on how late I was in my pregnancy, they wouldn't consider it a miscarriage and based on the fact that the baby still had a heartbeat when I delivered. He explained that there is no one answer to explain what happened, and why my case was so rare, was I had two perfectly healthy full-term pregnancy before these two.

We then went over the many options for permanent birth control, like Tubal Ligation, Vasectomy. Things like IUD's, ect.  All a little stressful to think about.

David and I have discussed seeing a specialist, or just saying, "it wasn't meant to be" and us taking the steps to prevent ever getting pregnant again. We have been discussing and exploring adoption as an option for any future children and we have come to the conclusion that it is just all so soon and making any decisions right now would literally be based on emotion. We know that IF we would  like to seek the advice and guidance of a specialist, my Dr. can point us in the right direction. IF we decide that a future pregnancy is just not an option for us, my Dr. can help us prevent that from ever occurring again and at that point the option for adoption will never be off the table for us....as of now, we wait.

Our plan is to just keep living. Move forward and focus on the two we have right here in front of us. Are we ready for another baby? YES....but it was out of our hands and until we can clearly make a decision as for what is right for us, we just keep living.

After several tears and a "crying-induced headache" we went to lunch, just the two of us. After our food, we got our fortune cookies and right there it was, just what I needed to read.

Thanks for the reminder fortune cookie. We went on with our afternoon and will "keep our chins up"

Pregnant People: Stop Complaining

***DISCLAIMER: This is not at all about one particular person or scenario. It's more about me and my reaction and not about anyone else's actions.---so if you fall under any of these scenarios...please understand it's me, not you.  

I have just about had it with pregnant people complaining about their pregnancies. Ankles are swollen, so sad that their faces are puffy, people's backs are achy, they don't get to have a beer, complaints about morning sickness, the glucose test...it's too much for me to handle. Now please, don't get me wrong, chances are if I were in their situation, I would be complaining about these little trials as well, but at the end of the day, it totally makes me want to curl up into a little ball and cry in the corner of a dark room..

When people announce happy news about their pregnancy (like the baby's healthy arrival---yay! Finding out the sex---"it's a boy!"), I LOVE to hear that awesome, exciting news...but for some reason, these little (totally harmless I might add) comments about pregnancy woes drive me bonkers.

 I really learned something about how my personal grieving process has been and that is; I don't want to see pregnant women. When I was in the hospital, the morning after I had the baby, I heard over the loud speaker "Banner Estrella Labor and Deliver would like to welcome baby____ to the world" (and they play "Happy Birthday to You" over the intercom---that put a smile on my face. It brought me back to when I delivered Andrew and Becca and how exciting it was to hear their announcement.  I felt like I was truly in the presence of a miracle and that warmed my heart. Several hours later that afternoon, I was discharged, I found myself walking down the hall in labor and delivery and I passed a young couple. He was walking along side, while she clutched his arm and was obviously laboring. Seeing that sweet couple in labor made tears run down my cheek and I wanted to throw up from my stomach rolling.

 Last Saturday was my first weekend shift at work. It was a very busy afternoon and there were a lot of customers.  I have learned that I am perfectly fine around new babies (in fact, I LOVE babies and being in their presence). But Saturday, I must have seen over 2 dozen pregnant bellies walk into my work and I had to excuse myself to go cry in the bathroom a few times.  Again, it's nothing those women did at all, it's my internal struggle.

Like I said above, it's not at all that anyone is doing anything wrong. Being pregnant is such a beautiful, amazing, miraculous thing. I LOVED being pregnant. That being said, there are times it's hard and a woman is entitled to vent about it! I'm just finding that I have a hard time reading or hearing it right now.  I am very happy for everyone around me who is expecting and they are all in my prayers. I want to apologize for the way I feel...it's just the way it is right now and I wanted to share.---at the end of the day, I would take ALL of your complaints if it meant I could have a beautiful, healthy pregnancy again.

-Love you all-
Meg 

I am a mommy of 4...

I am a mommy of four sweet babies....

It is so hard to understand why certain things happen. So many questions in life will never be answered. But one thing is for sure. I will forever be a mommy to 4 beautiful babies.

I have two here with us on this earth. My beautiful Andrew&Rebecca.  Andrew is strong-willed, intelligent beyond his years, kind, so passionate and loving in nature. Rebecca is spunky, sweet, fun-loving, smart, "gorgeous" and my little "sweet princess".  Both have taught me so much about unconditional love and about myself.  They fill my life with happiness I could never imagine...on a daily basis!!!

When it comes to my other two babies, It's a bit more complicated (as most of who have followed my blog already know). But I want to share with you all about my other two.

Our youngest, Becca, was 16months old and David and I decided it was time to try for "Baby Q #3" (which I referred to him/her as).  We shared our BIG news with the world---we were so excited to be pregnant again!

I was so excited to see our little Becca Bear as a BIG sister! It was all just so exciting.

Our Dr's appointments went well and  I was feeling great.  We had our first ultrasound around14 weeks and the baby looked so perfect!

 Later that month, we traveled as a family to Canada to see my cousin Tony get married. It was a great trip and we took the kids to see Niagara Falls.  My mom and dad got "Baby Q #3" his/her FIRST gift, an adorable onsie from our trip!

On July 23rd, 2012, we had to say goodbye to our sweet baby. 3 and a half months.  Several weeks is all the time we had. I fell in love as soon as I found out I was blessed with another baby in my tummy. I can't even begin to explain to you how painful the loss was.

David and I took the kids up north for a few days for a camping trip with some close friends after we lost the baby and the two of us said goodbye to our sweet baby. David had made a little box and on it, it read, "Our Baby Q #3" "Daddy and Mommy Love you".  We said goodbye and I will always remember that moment.

The Doctors were baffled by the loss of my pregnancy. My Dr. told me that I was young, healthy and there would be no reason that we could not try for another baby and have a healthy, successful pregnancy.  When I first lost "Baby Q #3" I remember thinking I would never be able to get pregnant again.   Even with the Doctors reassuring me that everything would be fine, I was so worried and afraid.  I remember at one moment being so sad and depressed that I may never want to get pregnant again. That the fear of losing another baby was so much greater than my lifelong dream of having a big family.

May 2013, almost a year after we lost our sweet baby, David and I agreed that we were ready for another baby.  I had been exercising and  eating right, had been trying to prepare my body for a healthy pregnancy. Doing everything in my power to make sure that once we both knew it was time, "nothing" could go wrong.

As soon as we decided to try, I stopped working out (I would walk and everything, but stopped my cardio). I completely cut out ANYTHING that could effect me in anyway. NO caffeine, nothing with a lot of sugar, watched my sodium intake, no hot baths/showers, ect....everything we are "supposed" to do.

We announced our pregnancy with our precious "Baby Quezada" (baby #4) On June 28th, 2013 when I was 8 weeks along.  Again, we were SO EXCITED to be expecting another sweet baby.

I began to show very early on and got an ultrasound right away as well.  The baby was so tiny and wiggled so much. I remember the heartbeat was right around 180bpm.  It was actually the first ultrasound that I had ever gotten alone. David is usually there with me. I remember texting him a photo of the printed up ultrasound image and sending it with the caption, "And we have a peanut"  I remember him responding and telling me how happy he was.  

My last Dr. Appointment.  David was called in to work an overtime shift and I had to bring Andrew and Becca to my appointment! I remember being so nervous and wasn't sure how they would behave in the office.  I prepped them and explained that mommy and the baby were going to be checked on by the doctor and explained that they were going to be able to hear their baby brother/sister's heartbeat.

To my surprise the kiddos were perfect angels and the two of them sat in a chair together and were so excited to hear the heartbeat and be there for their baby brother or sister. The two of them argued over whether it was going to be a boy or girl and came up with cute little names.

Later that afternoon when I picked Andrew up from school, his teacher told me about how he told the class all about the baby in his mommy's belly and that he heard the baby's heartbeat go, "boom, boom, boom". So sweet. I got a tiny glimpse at what the two of them were going be like as a big brother and big sister team, and it melted my heart.

When "Baby Quezada" made his/her arrival early. I made it to the hospital and delivered the baby there.  They had us choose what to do with our sweet baby after it's arrival. We had the hospital spread our baby's ashes over the Superstition Mountains (that was, in our mind the best fit for our particular situation).  I received gifts from the hospital that I clutched to for hours after I lost our baby.

"How very softly you tiptoed into my world. Almost silently; Only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint Your footprints have left On our hearts". --Author Unknown

All four of my babies have very special places in my heart. I love them all with everything that I am.  I will continue to enjoy every moment I have with My Andrew&Becca here on this Earth, just as I will always hold on to the thoughts and dreams of what could have been with my other two.  Only in my dreams can I imagine what their little personalities would be like. What kind of a big sister my Becca would have been. Whether we would have little boys or little girls. The short time I had with those 2 babies in my tummy are all I can hold on to, but I can take comfort in knowing that we will all be reunited one day for now, they are safe.

A beautiful morning...

The kiddos were super cuddly this morning. I love them so much.  Andrew and Becca requested pancakes...not JUST pancakes, but "baby" pancakes.  So they got silver dollars and ate everything off their plates....we went to stroller strides and took Andrew to School.

I miss David while he is away at work, but I guess we are getting back to the "normal" swing of things again. I know he has a few shifts off this month and that makes me really happy.  I love when he is home with us, but the kiddos and I have been doing well :)

...it was a really beautiful morning together.

(click on photos to enlarge) 

 My FAVORITE workout buddies

Breaking down

Had a really rough night again. I couldn't get to sleep for the second night in a row. I can't always describe what I am feeling.  I read a story a few days ago about a lady who lost her baby at 18 weeks. What she wrote described exactly how I feel everyday,

"Going home was hard to do.  My arms ached from the emptiness of them.  Walking into my house seemed odd, as if someone was missing.  I'd walked out of our home with our child in my belly, and I walked back in without him.  It felt so wrong." 

Another reason that I want so badly to lose this little bit of belly weight I gained during this pregnancy, is because I don't want to feel pregnant anymore. It's a constant reminder that my tummy is no longer home for our sweet baby. You don't give birth, come home and immediately know you are no longer pregnant as you do when you bring your baby home, because it is just all wrong. Yes, I was in the hospital and returned home after giving birth, but planning for this baby had been a part of me for months and returning home empty-handed was never in the plans. 

21 days...

"They" say that it takes 21 days to form a habit. I decided to make a change. Last year, after I lost our baby, I took it very hard (much like this year) but gained 30 lbs. proceeding my miscarriage. I am making positive changes today, in hopes that I don't head down that road again.

I woke up nice and early and dusted off the B.O.B. and workout mat.  I took the kiddos for a run and play at the park.  After my run, I did some sit-ups, leg raises and a 1 min. plank on my mat and used a park bench to do some triceps dips while the kiddos played. They loved it, and I got to enjoy one of our beautiful neighborhood parks with my amazing children.

I suppose today is a start...

(Click on photos to enlarge) 

 Relaxing after my lil' workout watching my kiddos play together

 Andrew playing "peek-a-boo" with me and Becca 

Yarnell

Saturday, our family took a trip up to Yarnell with my in laws. It was such a beautiful trip and was so perfect for us, especially during this particular time in our lives.

(Click on photos to enlarge) 

Past few days...

I have had wonderful visits from friends and family and have been able to play with my beautiful children, nieces and nephews one on one. I truly appreciate everyone who has slowed down and stopped to say something.

Andrew has been playing "dress up' and the afternoon I got home, we played in the rain. These kids help me smile daily.

Yesterday I got out of the house and went with David to take my Andrew to school. When we got to his school he said that he wanted both mommy and daddy to take him to class, and had a big proud smile walking to his class with each of us holding a hand. I know it's small, but it made me so happy.  Kids are so smart and they know I have been down, but I am trying my hardest to not let it effect our special time together and reassure them how much I love them.

The "outing" wasn't a total success. David and I went to the store and for a split moment, I forgot that this has happened. Passing the baby bouncers at Costco, I thought to myself, "oh we'll need one of those since we got rid of ours" then reality sunk in and I melted down.  Went on with the day and taking baby steps again and I was reminded of what a process this is going to be.  

Our baby nephew Dominic came over with his daddy and older sister Destiny last night and I brought out some baby toys that my kiddos loved when they were little. It warmed my heart to see him enjoying them and brought back sweet memories.

   

I am heartbroken.

For those of you who have been wondering what's going on with us and this pregnancy, here it goes.

Sunday I woke up in a panic. No idea what for. I don't know if something happened in the middle of the night, mother's intuition, what, but I woke for the first time this pregnancy in fear. I started to get ready for work and my hands were shaking, I was short of breath, I threw up and I almost fainted. After a glass of water, I took my prenatal vitamins and had a cup of yogurt, got on with my morning and left for work. I called my mom and told her about my panic attack. For whatever reason, I was so afraid that I was going to lose the baby. She told me to relax, and if I still felt this way to leave work. As the morning progressed, I started to feel much better (assuming it was due to the distraction of work).

At about 1:30pm, I went on break. I left for lunch and felt "off", so I returned to the break room at work with about 30min left of my break and put my feet up and fell asleep. I started to feel panicky again, although I had no "real" reason to. I wasn't bleeding, wasn't cramping, just felt "weird". I got up to return to work, when I felt fluid leaking. I immediately turned white, felt horrible and went home. After that, everything went down hill.

I called the on call Dr. at the hospital, who told me to go home, relax and unless there is bleeding or cramping, there's no real reason to "waste a trip to the emergency room". I got home and my mom met us at the house. I continued to feel complete panic and started to notice more fluid leaking. My mom took the kids home with her and told me to just go to the hospital.   David and I immediately went to the emergency room. Within 30min. of being in the emergency room, I was having my vitals checked, and couldn't stop shaking, couldn't slow my breathing down and felt my water break. They put me in a wheelchair, wheeled me to a room and I really began to lose it. I started bleeding profusely, they took blood, gave me an ultrasound, which indicated that I no longer had fluid and the baby was making it's way downward.

I was moved to another room. I had a pelvic exam and my cervix was dilating. The on call OB came in and did another exam and ultrasound. He apologized again for this happening and coached us on what was to be expected. He continued to apologize and explained that based on this occurring again so late in my pregnancy, they would say that I have an incompetent cervix (Cervical Insufficiency). We were then coached about how to tackle these issues once we were ready to try again for a baby, including seeing a high-risk specialist, bed rest, procedures ect...(let's remember, I am currently still in labor with this little baby, with the knowledge that I will not be bringing him/her home). It was too much to take. I just remember a lot of people coming in and out and taking my hand, or squeezing my leg with the painful look of sorrow for me. I just said, "thank you, thank you, thank you" all while my face was full of tears and I was literally in shock and total fear. My world was literally coming down.

I was then moved to a delivery room and continued to contract.  While in the delivery room, I had to answer a series of questions pertaining to my patient history, birth history, the loss of the baby last year...then it got REALLY hard. On to planning the death of my unborn baby. Cremation or burial, naming him/her, whether or not I wanted photos of the baby, if I wanted to hold the baby, the sex. So many awful things. David had to fill out death certificate paperwork, while I was laboring. Things we should never ever have to do. I just wanted it to be over. Then it was time, the contractions were one on top of the other and the pressure in my lower back and abdomen was getting bad. The nurse began to clean some of the blood and could see that the baby was ready, breech.  At that point, she took my hand and I just remember telling her I didn't want to push. I was so scared, I knew that after this was all over, the baby was no longer mine. I was not ready. How could I be? This is not the way that it's supposed to be.  She looked at me, tears in her eyes and just said, "I know honey but it's time". Everything after that is a blur. I was simply heart broken.

They moved me to a post-labor room and I was finally discharged the next afternoon.

Everyday since then has been super hard. I am not at all ready to face the world. I know that this has happened...again, but it just seems so unreal to me.  I am grateful for the support of my loved ones and close friends. Warm wishes and condolences, beautiful floral arrangements and heartfelt messages and visits. I know time will heal, but at this point, my thoughts are so sad.

I had to say goodbye to another sweet baby, and it has been very, very  hard on me.   Maybe this blog post is the first step to healing. I just don't know what to do.